Communication

Ok, so. In a previous post Human Interaction I talked about how I’m not the best at interacting with other humans. This has really started to become a big issue for me. I don’t communicate well with people, I get all tongue-tied or nervous or awkward. I will literally put off calling or talking to people for hours if not days because I get so nervous about speaking to people I’m not familiar with or that I don’t really know. When I do finally call, I have to sit for a couple minutes and take deep breaths to calm myself down enough to actually hit the send button.

This problem doesn’t just cover talking though. I tend to be a bit more comfortable online or texting but even then I still struggle. It’s really hard when I’m just getting to know someone or am not sure where I stand with them. I have real problems sending the first text. Once someone starts talking to me, it’s almost impossible to get me to stop but ask me to initiate and I tend to freeze up a bit, have no clue what to say…. Usually even if I’ve been talking to someone through text for a while, I’ll have a bit of trouble sending the first text message the next day unless something special happens. There are some exceptions, like close friends or coworkers, but casual communication is difficult for me if I have to be the one to start it.

I always have this worry that I’m annoying or awkward when I’m talking to people. It’s really hard for me. A lot of the time when I’m done with a conversation I’ll think back and worry that I just made a complete fool of myself or made it so the other person/people never want to talk to me again. This is especially true when I’m not sure where my relationship with that person stands. With people I’ve just met, it’s hard for me to tell if they want to be my friend or if they just tolerate me (this is also something I worry about even with people that are my friends, I wonder if they just put up with me to be nice and don’t really like me). Or with the two ex-boyfriends I have. One of them I wonder if he’s still trying to get back together with me or if he’s flirting or if I’m leading him on or something. The other is a real problem for me, since I still harbor feelings for him. Every conversation I have to double check everything I say so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to get him to take me back (although I do wish for it) or that I’m not annoying or pushing him away. It’s almost a constant concern for me. I’m terrified of annoying people or making them want to ignore me and not having any friends (or at least no real ones).

I realize I’m probably being ridiculous with all this and that I don’t have anything to worry about… but still my brain never stops throwing this idea at me and it gets to the point where I’m terrified to talk to people because I’m afraid I’ll annoy them. Maybe I should just be a hermit and never have to talk to people again… couldn’t do that, I’d get bored so easily. Guess it’s just another of my weird quirks…..