Communication

Ok, so. In a previous post Human Interaction I talked about how I’m not the best at interacting with other humans. This has really started to become a big issue for me. I don’t communicate well with people, I get all tongue-tied or nervous or awkward. I will literally put off calling or talking to people for hours if not days because I get so nervous about speaking to people I’m not familiar with or that I don’t really know. When I do finally call, I have to sit for a couple minutes and take deep breaths to calm myself down enough to actually hit the send button.

This problem doesn’t just cover talking though. I tend to be a bit more comfortable online or texting but even then I still struggle. It’s really hard when I’m just getting to know someone or am not sure where I stand with them. I have real problems sending the first text. Once someone starts talking to me, it’s almost impossible to get me to stop but ask me to initiate and I tend to freeze up a bit, have no clue what to say…. Usually even if I’ve been talking to someone through text for a while, I’ll have a bit of trouble sending the first text message the next day unless something special happens. There are some exceptions, like close friends or coworkers, but casual communication is difficult for me if I have to be the one to start it.

I always have this worry that I’m annoying or awkward when I’m talking to people. It’s really hard for me. A lot of the time when I’m done with a conversation I’ll think back and worry that I just made a complete fool of myself or made it so the other person/people never want to talk to me again. This is especially true when I’m not sure where my relationship with that person stands. With people I’ve just met, it’s hard for me to tell if they want to be my friend or if they just tolerate me (this is also something I worry about even with people that are my friends, I wonder if they just put up with me to be nice and don’t really like me). Or with the two ex-boyfriends I have. One of them I wonder if he’s still trying to get back together with me or if he’s flirting or if I’m leading him on or something. The other is a real problem for me, since I still harbor feelings for him. Every conversation I have to double check everything I say so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to get him to take me back (although I do wish for it) or that I’m not annoying or pushing him away. It’s almost a constant concern for me. I’m terrified of annoying people or making them want to ignore me and not having any friends (or at least no real ones).

I realize I’m probably being ridiculous with all this and that I don’t have anything to worry about… but still my brain never stops throwing this idea at me and it gets to the point where I’m terrified to talk to people because I’m afraid I’ll annoy them. Maybe I should just be a hermit and never have to talk to people again… couldn’t do that, I’d get bored so easily. Guess it’s just another of my weird quirks…..

Depression

So, I believe that I may have clinical depression… I was actually diagnosed with it four years ago but that was before we found out about my Crohn’s disease. It was decided at that time that being sick and not knowing why was what had me depressed. However, four years later and I think that I genuinely might have it… or possibly a mild bipolar disorder. Why do I think this? Well, through the years there have been many times when I get sad and/or depressed for no reason at all. I found myself in tears this evening with no provocation even though I had a great  day and there was no reason to cry. I’ve been in this type of funk for several months now and I tend to have cycles of it through the years. I have come to realize these get worse and worse and I have several issues rise up because of it.

I have a little trouble with this whole issue of depression and/or bipolor, however. My home church as well as both my parents seem to believe that it’s all a bunch of poppycock and that these issues are based on some sort of sin or something of the sort. I’ve had that sort of thinking nearly ingrained inside my head but… I honestly think there’s something legitimately wrong with me. I read my Bible and pray and ask God to spare me from the negative thoughts and feelings that seem to seize a hold over every part of me, but still, my mind continuously turns back to wallow in depression. There are even times I feel even more depressed after my quiet time because there is little to no effect in my thinking. I try my best to apply what I learn (“Read to change, not to finish”) but soon after I’m done, my mind seems to dive right back in to wallow in depression. I’ve briefly mentioned these feelings to my parents (not in great detail but they know I have times when I’m just sad) and all I hear is “pray about it”, but I have been yet nothing seems to change at all. I’m not asking for my situation to change but my thinking… and yet I just sink further and further in.

I’m not sure what to do about this situation. I times I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me but there is also that nagging aversion I have to the belief in that sort of thing. There are times I believe it might be a genuine problem but other times I wonder if it’s just all in my head and I’m subconsciously letting this happen or somehow encouraging it. I really don’t know….

Haircuts and Appearance

So a couple days ago, I got my hair cut super short (think Emma Watson). I completely love it, it’s so easy to manage and it’s nice a cool and off my neck. This summer I’ve been working at my old school’s summer day care. When I walked in on Monday with my short hair, they kind of freaked out. They asked me if I meant to get it cut that short and insisted that, despite my makeup and earrings, I looked like a boy. Frankly, this doesn’t really bother me. I’ve been accused of being a boy before: I’ve been hit on by girls and gay guys that were shocked when they heard I was a girl. I’ve been called a lesbian and a dyke (even though I am 100% straight). I’ve sort of become immune to being mistaken for a boy. Heck, as I was getting the cut, there was one point where I looked in the mirror and thought I looked very similar to my younger brother before he graduated and started to grow out his hair.

Suffice it to say, I don’t really care what people think about my looks, I care much more about what I like and how comfortable I am. Honestly, if I really cared how I looked, my wardrobe would probably be a lot different. There would likely be no steampunk things, skirts would be worn more often (I have some I’m just not big on wearing them that much), there wouldn’t be so many articles from the boy’s section, and my hair would be long and driving me nuts.

That’s not to say that I don’t care about my looks at all. I do, I’m human, I want people to like me and compliment me. In fact, in just about everything outside of my dresser/closet, I’m very much a people pleaser… it’s not exactly a good thing. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I dress “strangely” in an act of independence from people or because I want their attention. Perhaps it’s a little of both.

In any case, there’s one thing I try to keep in mind: I dress for myself not for anyone else. Sure, sometimes I don’t mind a little attention (I tend to get a good deal when I go out in my steampunk outfits), but in the end, I wear the clothes for my own enjoyment and comfort. And yes, I try my best not to wear anything that isn’t comfortable: even my steampunk is comfortable emotionally if not physically (although most of my stuff isn’t uncomfortable). By emotionally, I mean that I feel confident… much more so than I do normally. That is one thing I love about steampunk, I generally feel like a completely different person, someone that is confident and doesn’t care at all what people think.

Anyway, it’s always important to remember that it doesn’t matter what other people think about your appearance (outside of general hygiene or if it’s for a job or something) as long as you feel comfortable with yourself. Don’t dress to impress other people (again, outside of job interviews or if you have a work uniform or something), dress in such a way that you feel confident and relaxed. What’s important is what you think about how you look, not what others think. So, if you want to cut your hair down to like 2 inches in length, go for it, don’t worry about what other people will say as long as you like it.

Introducing the Weirdo

So, what is it that makes me consider myself weird? Well first off, I’d rather consider myself weird than just average. But why don’t I just tell you about myself and you can decide for yourselves whether I’m weird or average, not that it much matters what you think. I’m an Elementary Education Major, avid steampunk, writer, artist, seamstress, and a Christian. Growing up I was always the quiet girl at the back of the room that no one ever payed attention to, and I didn’t mind that, I actually quite enjoyed it. Were there times I wished people would reach out, talk to me, invite me to outings/parties? Yes. But really, at the end of the day, I would end up being just as happy on my own reading a book. I like people, I care about people, but I’m just fine being on my own.

I struggle with depression, have for a long time, lots of it, and sometimes it feels like for no reason at all. I have this need to keep the people around me happy though so I do my best to not let it show and there’s times where I’m genuinely content, happy even, but it often feels like it doesn’t last.

I tend to be a bit childish, I like cartoons, kid’s movies, kid’s books, and playing around, and I’ll admit it, I’m a bit naive. There are times my younger brother seems to be the older one. On the other hand, I can be mature and grown up when I need to be, it’s just generally not my default setting.

I’m not a girly girl although I’ll occasionally wear a dress or skirt, I far prefer jeans or cargoes. When I do wear skirts it’s usually either Steampunk or some other slightly wild looking sort of outfit. I have a clothing style all my own, although sometimes I worry it’s a bit too young looking, but for the most part I don’t care.

You can judge for yourself whether you think I’m weird or not, but I stand by the idea that I am and I’m proud of that fact.