Scary Words

Words can be scary… spiders, snakes and… needles are a couple words that make me shudder. There are some other words tho that, currently, terrify me… and you wouldn’t expect them to be that scary:

Alone: The idea of this has me stopping in my tracks. Now, I’m an introvert so there are times when I need to be separate from everything and on my own. But there’s a difference between being on your own and all alone. I’m so completely terrified of the thought of having no one there for me. It’s the main reason I can be a wee bit clingy.

Forever: This word will literally make me curl up and cry. There used to be a time when I believed in forever, when I believed something could go on and never end. Now, all I can think about with that word is that forever doesn’t really last very long.

Beautiful, cute, etc.: These words don’t really scare me so much as they make me freeze up. I don’t know at all how to respond when people tell me I look pretty or something of the sort. Mostly because I often don’t believe them, and also because I never really heard it growing up. I was always the strange awkward girl that sat in the corner and read and no one paid any attention to. My parents would sometimes tell me I looked pretty but… well they were my parents, they’re supposed to say that.

Love: This shouldn’t be a scary word… and it’s not when someone in my family says it or if I’m joking around with my friends and say “I love you” all cutsey when I do something “mean”. But when people say it to me and “mean it” especially if it’s a boy. I feel like shutting down. I find it hard to believe that they really do mean it, it seems so much like a overused, meaningless word now. There’s also the difficulty I have mentally right now. I don’t think I’m really capable of loving someone back other than the people that already have my love. Love has become a word that makes me feel emotionless and leaves me at a loss for how to respond.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”

Remember learning that as a kid? Well, it’s completely and totally wrong. Words can be some of the most damaging and painful weapons in the world. Words can completely destroy a person – cause them to think or do things they never would have considered in a thousand years. Words can cause a boy to completely ignore his sister for years because it’s not “cool”. Words can cause a girl to feel alienated from everyone and like she isn’t important. And long exposure to negative words can even cause someone to cut themselves or contemplate/attempt suicide.

We need to be careful what we say and how we say it. Sometimes, even if it’s joking, words can completely devastate or destroy a person emotionally. Granted, some people just need to toughen up and not take everything to heart, but if you know someone is struggling with something, don’t rib them about it or make jokes alluding to it; that just makes everything worse. If they’re willing to joke with you about it, then fine, but if you see it causing them distress, leave it.

Words should be used to encourage and build up people. Support people with your words, don’t tear them down. Watch what you say, you don’t know what may be the last straw for that person.

~~~~~

No one sits with him, he doesn’t fit in

But we feel like we do when we make fun of him.

Cause you want to belong do you go along?

Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong.

It’s not like you hate him or want him to die

but maybe he goes home and thinks suicide.

Or comes back to school with a gun at his side

Any kindness from you might have saved his life

Heroes are made when you make a choice

You can be a hero, heroes do what’s right.

You can be a hero, you might save a life.

You can be a hero, you can join the fight.

For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right.

No one talks to her she feels so alone.

She’s in too much pain to survive on her own

The hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife.

She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life.

Each day she goes on is a day that she’s brave;

fighting the lie that giving up is the way.

Each moment of courage her own life she saves,

when she throws the pills out, a hero is made

Heroes are made when you make a choice

You can be a hero, heroes do what’s right

You can be a hero, you might save a life

You can be a hero, you can join the fight

For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right

No one talks to him about how he lives.

He thinks that the choices he makes are just his.

Doesn’t know he’s a leader with the way he behaves

and others will follow the choices he’s made.

He lives on the edge he’s old enough to decide.

His brother who wants to be him is just nine.

He can do what he wants, because it’s his right.

The choices he makes change a nine-year-old’s life.

Heroes are made when you make a choice

You can be a hero, heroes do what’s right

You can be a hero, you might save a life

You can be a hero, you can join the fight

For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right

Yo little Mikey B was the one in class

who everyday got brutally harrassed

and this went on for years

until he decided that never again would he shed another tear.

So he walked through the door

and grabbed the .44

out of his father’s dresser drawer

and said “I can’t take life no more”

and like that, a life can be lost.

But this ain’t even about that;

it’s about all of us who just sat back and watched it happen

Thinkin’ “it’s not my responsibility to solve a problem that isn’t about me”.

But it IS our problem, this is just one of the daily scenarios in which we choose to close our eyes instead of doing the right thing.

We can make the choice

to be the voice

for those who won’t stand up for themselves.

How many lives would be saved, changed, and rearanged

Now it’s our time to shine, so don’t keep walkin’ by

not wanting to interfere cause you just want to exist and never be seen

Let’s wake up, change the world

OUR TIME IS NOW!

~~~~~

~Hero by Superchic(k)

Haircuts and Appearance

So a couple days ago, I got my hair cut super short (think Emma Watson). I completely love it, it’s so easy to manage and it’s nice a cool and off my neck. This summer I’ve been working at my old school’s summer day care. When I walked in on Monday with my short hair, they kind of freaked out. They asked me if I meant to get it cut that short and insisted that, despite my makeup and earrings, I looked like a boy. Frankly, this doesn’t really bother me. I’ve been accused of being a boy before: I’ve been hit on by girls and gay guys that were shocked when they heard I was a girl. I’ve been called a lesbian and a dyke (even though I am 100% straight). I’ve sort of become immune to being mistaken for a boy. Heck, as I was getting the cut, there was one point where I looked in the mirror and thought I looked very similar to my younger brother before he graduated and started to grow out his hair.

Suffice it to say, I don’t really care what people think about my looks, I care much more about what I like and how comfortable I am. Honestly, if I really cared how I looked, my wardrobe would probably be a lot different. There would likely be no steampunk things, skirts would be worn more often (I have some I’m just not big on wearing them that much), there wouldn’t be so many articles from the boy’s section, and my hair would be long and driving me nuts.

That’s not to say that I don’t care about my looks at all. I do, I’m human, I want people to like me and compliment me. In fact, in just about everything outside of my dresser/closet, I’m very much a people pleaser… it’s not exactly a good thing. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I dress “strangely” in an act of independence from people or because I want their attention. Perhaps it’s a little of both.

In any case, there’s one thing I try to keep in mind: I dress for myself not for anyone else. Sure, sometimes I don’t mind a little attention (I tend to get a good deal when I go out in my steampunk outfits), but in the end, I wear the clothes for my own enjoyment and comfort. And yes, I try my best not to wear anything that isn’t comfortable: even my steampunk is comfortable emotionally if not physically (although most of my stuff isn’t uncomfortable). By emotionally, I mean that I feel confident… much more so than I do normally. That is one thing I love about steampunk, I generally feel like a completely different person, someone that is confident and doesn’t care at all what people think.

Anyway, it’s always important to remember that it doesn’t matter what other people think about your appearance (outside of general hygiene or if it’s for a job or something) as long as you feel comfortable with yourself. Don’t dress to impress other people (again, outside of job interviews or if you have a work uniform or something), dress in such a way that you feel confident and relaxed. What’s important is what you think about how you look, not what others think. So, if you want to cut your hair down to like 2 inches in length, go for it, don’t worry about what other people will say as long as you like it.

The Vow

Finally got around to watching The Vow tonight. It was a great movie, it really was. I cried (as I had expected and prepared for lol), I laughed and I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Here’s the thing, I’m not usually much of a chick flick kind of girl. I like them but I generally have to be in the right mood… i.e. either depressed (weird I know) or if I’m with other girls, or with my significant other (currently not happening as I’m single as of this point… usually my point of depression, reallly). Give me an action movie, a kids movie, or better yet an indie movie (they’re so great) any day, any time and I will happily watch it, but for me to watch a romantic chick flick… it’s gotta be the right time.

Honestly, I think I’m a bit of a masochist. I mean really, what do I do when I’m depressed? I watch a movie where the girl completely forgets her husband and he has to earn her love back. Sweet story, but full of tears. One of the problems is that (currently at least) one of the main causes of my depression is boy troubles, so of course, I decide to watch a movie that reminds me of what a “relationship” could be like and that gets my mind thinking again. I have to tell myself constantly that my life is not like a movie and that things don’t work that way. Then I watch a movie like this and my dreaming and wishing all starts back up again. It’s certainly not helping my (rather precarious if you ask me) mentality or sanity.

Now, I don’t want to get too into this… I’m not particularly keen on discussing my “love life” (or lack thereof) online… it’s just bad form. However, I do want to point out the main problem behind my depression. Now it seems pretty pathetic, being depressed or upset because of a boy (especially when, like me, you’ve been apart longer than you were together… we’re talking double the time here), but I can’t seem to help it. I’ve already talked about the fact that my interaction with people is sub-par. As a result of that, I tend to be a bit clingy to the people that are in my life — the ones that can actually put up with me. I have a deep seated fear of losing the people I care about. I’m also one of those people that sort of wears her heart on her sleeve. I say sort of because over time I’ve become paranoid about people getting close to me and then leaving… probably one of the reasons I’m so awkward around people. But, if someone invests the time, I can open up pretty easily and give just about everything that I am. I form connections with the people I care about pretty quickly when I feel they’ve earned it and I feel deeply very quickly. So, when it ends… I’m devastated… almost completely destroyed. Very rarely in my life have I actually had this happen; only a couple times really. But when it does happen… even now when it’s been so long I’m still having a hard time coping. And so (back to the topic), I watch chick flicks that kind of make things worse.

On the other side of things tho, it’s almost soothing to watch romantic chick flicks. It lets me cry for what I feel is a good reason. It’s a good cry, and sometimes a happy cry. It’s an excuse to be sad just for the sake of being sad… plus it’s a great excuse to curl up around a bowl of ice cream, wear sweats, and just feel like a normal girl (hey, even us weirdos need to feel normal every now and then).

So, this went a little (okay, a lot) off topic. All things considered, The Vow was an amazing movie and I totally loved it, despite the many many tears I shed.

Edit: I would like to add that no matter what mood I’m in, if Gerard Butler is in the chick flick I will watch it even if I’m not in my “romantic mood”… Gerard Butler is a gorgeous, amazing (Scottish -happy sigh-) actor and I will watch him no matter the time or mood.

Human Interaction

Ok, I’ll be honest, I’m not the best at interacting with people. I’m extremely quiet around people I don’t know but when I do know people… well I never shut up. A lot of the time I feel like I’m too awkward and that everyone just wants me to stop. In high school, I was rarely ever invited to things and I suppose I’ve come to think the reason for that was that everyone just thought I was annoying and didn’t want me around. Now that I’m older, it doesn’t bother me quite as much but there are times I still feel horribly awkward and uncomfortable.

It really hits me when I’m home during breaks. I have some friends around here but since I’m gone for 8-9 months out of the year, I’m not exactly close to them. My brother is actually the one to invite me to come do things with him and his friends (a little strange since there was a time he wanted nothing to do with me) and that’s usually fun, although I still feel rather awkward because… well everyone is his age so I’m at least 2 years older than everyone in the group usually… it’s just odd. And when it comes to hanging around with people at church, most of my brother’s friends are guys. Now usually I prefer hanging with boys anyway because girls annoy me and boys generally talk more about things I like, but when eating lunch at the church pot-luck and you’re the only girl at the table… it’s just a little bit weird. In that case, I wasn’t even the oldest and eventually I did end up having a great time talking to them and it was nice; but that first little while where I felt completely awkward being the only girl was kind of terrifying.

Maybe someday I’ll learn the proper way to interact with people… or maybe I’ll just always feel like the odd-one-out. There’s nothing really wrong with that. I’m unique and fun in my own way. And really, maybe the problem is just that I interpret things wrong… maybe I don’t really annoy people as much as I think I do. I just need to stop worrying and let myself have fun… if people have a problem with me, they can just tell me otherwise, well it’s their own fault now isn’t it?

Just because it’s fun, doesn’t mean you should do it

We all know those activities, the ones that are so much fun to do but in the end only end up causing pain. For instance: yesterday my college student activity board (SAB) organized a Blowout event with a fun carnival type time, free (very yummy) food, and a movie (The Muppets FTW!!!!!). At the carnival, there was this inflated thing-a-ma-jig where you strap yourself into a harness attached to a bungee cord, run as hard and far as you can, and get brutally yanked back once you reach the limit. This thing was sooooo much fun, I totally loved it and went on it THREE times (in addition to going through the inflated obstacle course and racing on pedal cars). At the time of course I gave no thought to the fact that I was being pulled back so suddenly and brutally, it was so much fun I even went as far as I could, pulling until I could move no further, and then jumped to let it pull me back and felt like I was flying. So, imagine my utter surprise when I wake up this morning and I feel like my neck has to be the most bruised and battered part of my body ever. I found myself wondering “did I get in a car accident?” I can’t even attempt to rub out the soreness because right now, just touching or moving my neck at all makes me want to groan or scream.

Just goes to show that just because something looks fun doesn’t mean you should do it. Especially over and over and over again. Now I’m not saying don’t do fun things, heck, as annoying as the saying is, you only live once. So do fun things, have a great time and enjoy your life, but realize that you do only live one life so don’t go being stupid and landing yourself in serious pain or even worse in the hospital. Have fun, but be smart, don’t go overboard.

Now… can someone hand me a neck brace?