Scary Words

Words can be scary… spiders, snakes and… needles are a couple words that make me shudder. There are some other words tho that, currently, terrify me… and you wouldn’t expect them to be that scary:

Alone: The idea of this has me stopping in my tracks. Now, I’m an introvert so there are times when I need to be separate from everything and on my own. But there’s a difference between being on your own and all alone. I’m so completely terrified of the thought of having no one there for me. It’s the main reason I can be a wee bit clingy.

Forever: This word will literally make me curl up and cry. There used to be a time when I believed in forever, when I believed something could go on and never end. Now, all I can think about with that word is that forever doesn’t really last very long.

Beautiful, cute, etc.: These words don’t really scare me so much as they make me freeze up. I don’t know at all how to respond when people tell me I look pretty or something of the sort. Mostly because I often don’t believe them, and also because I never really heard it growing up. I was always the strange awkward girl that sat in the corner and read and no one paid any attention to. My parents would sometimes tell me I looked pretty but… well they were my parents, they’re supposed to say that.

Love: This shouldn’t be a scary word… and it’s not when someone in my family says it or if I’m joking around with my friends and say “I love you” all cutsey when I do something “mean”. But when people say it to me and “mean it” especially if it’s a boy. I feel like shutting down. I find it hard to believe that they really do mean it, it seems so much like a overused, meaningless word now. There’s also the difficulty I have mentally right now. I don’t think I’m really capable of loving someone back other than the people that already have my love. Love has become a word that makes me feel emotionless and leaves me at a loss for how to respond.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”

Remember learning that as a kid? Well, it’s completely and totally wrong. Words can be some of the most damaging and painful weapons in the world. Words can completely destroy a person – cause them to think or do things they never would have considered in a thousand years. Words can cause a boy to completely ignore his sister for years because it’s not “cool”. Words can cause a girl to feel alienated from everyone and like she isn’t important. And long exposure to negative words can even cause someone to cut themselves or contemplate/attempt suicide.

We need to be careful what we say and how we say it. Sometimes, even if it’s joking, words can completely devastate or destroy a person emotionally. Granted, some people just need to toughen up and not take everything to heart, but if you know someone is struggling with something, don’t rib them about it or make jokes alluding to it; that just makes everything worse. If they’re willing to joke with you about it, then fine, but if you see it causing them distress, leave it.

Words should be used to encourage and build up people. Support people with your words, don’t tear them down. Watch what you say, you don’t know what may be the last straw for that person.

~~~~~

No one sits with him, he doesn’t fit in

But we feel like we do when we make fun of him.

Cause you want to belong do you go along?

Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong.

It’s not like you hate him or want him to die

but maybe he goes home and thinks suicide.

Or comes back to school with a gun at his side

Any kindness from you might have saved his life

Heroes are made when you make a choice

You can be a hero, heroes do what’s right.

You can be a hero, you might save a life.

You can be a hero, you can join the fight.

For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right.

No one talks to her she feels so alone.

She’s in too much pain to survive on her own

The hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife.

She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life.

Each day she goes on is a day that she’s brave;

fighting the lie that giving up is the way.

Each moment of courage her own life she saves,

when she throws the pills out, a hero is made

Heroes are made when you make a choice

You can be a hero, heroes do what’s right

You can be a hero, you might save a life

You can be a hero, you can join the fight

For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right

No one talks to him about how he lives.

He thinks that the choices he makes are just his.

Doesn’t know he’s a leader with the way he behaves

and others will follow the choices he’s made.

He lives on the edge he’s old enough to decide.

His brother who wants to be him is just nine.

He can do what he wants, because it’s his right.

The choices he makes change a nine-year-old’s life.

Heroes are made when you make a choice

You can be a hero, heroes do what’s right

You can be a hero, you might save a life

You can be a hero, you can join the fight

For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right

Yo little Mikey B was the one in class

who everyday got brutally harrassed

and this went on for years

until he decided that never again would he shed another tear.

So he walked through the door

and grabbed the .44

out of his father’s dresser drawer

and said “I can’t take life no more”

and like that, a life can be lost.

But this ain’t even about that;

it’s about all of us who just sat back and watched it happen

Thinkin’ “it’s not my responsibility to solve a problem that isn’t about me”.

But it IS our problem, this is just one of the daily scenarios in which we choose to close our eyes instead of doing the right thing.

We can make the choice

to be the voice

for those who won’t stand up for themselves.

How many lives would be saved, changed, and rearanged

Now it’s our time to shine, so don’t keep walkin’ by

not wanting to interfere cause you just want to exist and never be seen

Let’s wake up, change the world

OUR TIME IS NOW!

~~~~~

~Hero by Superchic(k)

Depression

So, I believe that I may have clinical depression… I was actually diagnosed with it four years ago but that was before we found out about my Crohn’s disease. It was decided at that time that being sick and not knowing why was what had me depressed. However, four years later and I think that I genuinely might have it… or possibly a mild bipolar disorder. Why do I think this? Well, through the years there have been many times when I get sad and/or depressed for no reason at all. I found myself in tears this evening with no provocation even though I had a great  day and there was no reason to cry. I’ve been in this type of funk for several months now and I tend to have cycles of it through the years. I have come to realize these get worse and worse and I have several issues rise up because of it.

I have a little trouble with this whole issue of depression and/or bipolor, however. My home church as well as both my parents seem to believe that it’s all a bunch of poppycock and that these issues are based on some sort of sin or something of the sort. I’ve had that sort of thinking nearly ingrained inside my head but… I honestly think there’s something legitimately wrong with me. I read my Bible and pray and ask God to spare me from the negative thoughts and feelings that seem to seize a hold over every part of me, but still, my mind continuously turns back to wallow in depression. There are even times I feel even more depressed after my quiet time because there is little to no effect in my thinking. I try my best to apply what I learn (“Read to change, not to finish”) but soon after I’m done, my mind seems to dive right back in to wallow in depression. I’ve briefly mentioned these feelings to my parents (not in great detail but they know I have times when I’m just sad) and all I hear is “pray about it”, but I have been yet nothing seems to change at all. I’m not asking for my situation to change but my thinking… and yet I just sink further and further in.

I’m not sure what to do about this situation. I times I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me but there is also that nagging aversion I have to the belief in that sort of thing. There are times I believe it might be a genuine problem but other times I wonder if it’s just all in my head and I’m subconsciously letting this happen or somehow encouraging it. I really don’t know….

What works for you, doesn’t necessarily work for me

Ok, so based on one or two of my previous posts, I have a rather complicated relationship with my father. I love him to pieces but the majority of my pet peeves are linked to him, whether directly or indirectly. There’s one in particular that has been pushed at a lot over the past few months. My dad tends to think that whatever he is doing, everyone else needs to do too. He assumes that if something is working for him it will do the same for everyone.

Let’s take a look at the main example of this first. My family uses products from a wellness company: they have environmentally friendly, good-for-you products. Now, the products are really really great and they work very well; however, my dad seems to believe in the products almost religiously and thinks that they can do no wrong and will solve every single problem. If my brother or I use another product that this company has, he goes off on a rant about how we’re poisoning our bodies and blah blah blah. His job is referring customers to the company (which is a whole ‘nother subject/peeve all together that we won’t get into), so I suppose it’s a good thing he believes in the products but I personally think it’s annoying that he thinks everything works perfectly for everyone just because of his beliefs. It is man-made, there needs to be room for fallacy.

The second example is the one that really got to me today. Dad has recently switched to a new diet where rather than eating 3 big meals a day, you have about 6 little ones. Now there’s a couple things about this that get to me. First, let me say that I think this is probably a great diet: it keeps your metabolism going all day which will burn more fat and help you lose weight. Now, the problems that I have: first, my dad seems to use this as an excuse to just eat more times a day. The point behind these meals is they’re supposed to be smaller (aka normal portion size as opposed to American portions) and non-junk foods, if you’re still eating like double the recommended portion size and/or lots of junkie, fatty foods, it’s not going to do anything. Yeah, you have the metabolism always going but you’re also cramming more junk than you should be into your body. While my dad is (finally) starting to substitute fruits and such for chips, he’s still having a good deal more than the recommended serving size. Secondly, once again, my dad assumes that if he’s doing it, everyone needs to be doing it. I am a skinny person, I’m not overweight (in fact I might be under, not really sure haven’t weighed myself recently). I do not need to lose any weight. I could stand to work out and get into shape, but I have no need to go on a diet, especially since I’m already on a semi-strict vegetarian (with exception of fish) lifestyle. I was wearing my corset tonight and I made a comment about how it kept me from being hungry because it put pressure on my stomach. My dad starts going off about how I shouldn’t be starving myself (which I’m not) and that I need to be eating 6 meals a day. Now, I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, it could be just fine for me and actually might help with my Crohn’s disease, but I haven’t done the research on anything yet. I’m also not sure how well it would work with my vegetarianism. Being vegetarian and having Crohn’s disease means that I need to be more careful how I do things, look into what effects there could be, do research before making any dietary changes. My dad hasn’t taken these things into consideration. He just assumes that because he’s on the diet, I need to be following the same routine without figuring out what it could do to my body. Usually my dad is very considerate, not making spicy things to set off my Crohn’s even though he loves spicy, making sure I have vegetarian protein options, asking me what things he can make that I’ll eat, etc. However, there are times when he just doesn’t take the time to do the research.

Anyway… that’s enough of my ranting on the subject. Basically what I’m trying to say is that just because a product or lifestyle change works for you that doesn’t mean it’s going to work for everyone else in the same way. Don’t try to enforce your own choices on other people. Give suggestions, sure but don’t make the assumption that they have to do what you’re doing. Everyone needs to make their own decisions, figure out what works for them.

P.S. There are some things that I do believe are right for everyone. For instance, as a Christian, I believe the only way to Heaven is through the Lord Jesus Christ. Just thought I’d put that disclaimer out there.

Haircuts and Appearance

So a couple days ago, I got my hair cut super short (think Emma Watson). I completely love it, it’s so easy to manage and it’s nice a cool and off my neck. This summer I’ve been working at my old school’s summer day care. When I walked in on Monday with my short hair, they kind of freaked out. They asked me if I meant to get it cut that short and insisted that, despite my makeup and earrings, I looked like a boy. Frankly, this doesn’t really bother me. I’ve been accused of being a boy before: I’ve been hit on by girls and gay guys that were shocked when they heard I was a girl. I’ve been called a lesbian and a dyke (even though I am 100% straight). I’ve sort of become immune to being mistaken for a boy. Heck, as I was getting the cut, there was one point where I looked in the mirror and thought I looked very similar to my younger brother before he graduated and started to grow out his hair.

Suffice it to say, I don’t really care what people think about my looks, I care much more about what I like and how comfortable I am. Honestly, if I really cared how I looked, my wardrobe would probably be a lot different. There would likely be no steampunk things, skirts would be worn more often (I have some I’m just not big on wearing them that much), there wouldn’t be so many articles from the boy’s section, and my hair would be long and driving me nuts.

That’s not to say that I don’t care about my looks at all. I do, I’m human, I want people to like me and compliment me. In fact, in just about everything outside of my dresser/closet, I’m very much a people pleaser… it’s not exactly a good thing. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I dress “strangely” in an act of independence from people or because I want their attention. Perhaps it’s a little of both.

In any case, there’s one thing I try to keep in mind: I dress for myself not for anyone else. Sure, sometimes I don’t mind a little attention (I tend to get a good deal when I go out in my steampunk outfits), but in the end, I wear the clothes for my own enjoyment and comfort. And yes, I try my best not to wear anything that isn’t comfortable: even my steampunk is comfortable emotionally if not physically (although most of my stuff isn’t uncomfortable). By emotionally, I mean that I feel confident… much more so than I do normally. That is one thing I love about steampunk, I generally feel like a completely different person, someone that is confident and doesn’t care at all what people think.

Anyway, it’s always important to remember that it doesn’t matter what other people think about your appearance (outside of general hygiene or if it’s for a job or something) as long as you feel comfortable with yourself. Don’t dress to impress other people (again, outside of job interviews or if you have a work uniform or something), dress in such a way that you feel confident and relaxed. What’s important is what you think about how you look, not what others think. So, if you want to cut your hair down to like 2 inches in length, go for it, don’t worry about what other people will say as long as you like it.

Three Musketeers

So my mom and I watched the newest Three Musketeers movie tonight (well I watched, mom fell asleep partway through). I’ve always loved the 1993 version of it, and was expecting to be disappointed because I’ve never been big on “remakes” or other versions of things I’ve loved. However, this movie was absolutely brilliant! I completely loved it. The costumes were gorgeous for the most part (the king looked kind of ridiculous in my opinion but, unfortunately that was what lords and such actually wore in the 17th century O.o).

 

 

D’Artagnan was freaking adorable and his rockish look was very nice and flattering. The actors all did a marvelous job too, it was very believable.

 

 

Now for the part that made me really happy. AIRSHIPS!!!!!! I nearly squealed for joy when I saw the airship for the first time. My steampunk heart totally geeked out over the gorgeous work and reality in how it worked. I could totally believe that it actually existed and… I want one I want one so badly. Plus there were all the traps and weaponry that looked very steampunk as well. I know it wasn’t strictly a steampunk movie by definition because  nothing was actually steampowered from what I can tell (some of the weapons on the airship may have been but I’m not certain on that), but the aesthetic was there and it had elements that made me go “WANT!!!” or gave me ideas for my personal outfits.

Speaking of steampunk, I think one of these days I’m going to have to sit down and write a post all about my love of this genre… maybe even include pictures of my outfits (you’ll get to see me, yay you (even though I’m pretty certain most of my readers, like what 2, already know me)).

But I’ve (once again) strayed a bit from the topic. So, back on topic, the newest Three Musketeers movie was totally awesome, historical with a wee bit of modern thrown in. Despite my expectations I completely loved it and give it 2 thumbs up. If you like the book or older movies, I definitely recommend it.

Hue-riffic And Aura-ful

This is from a friend of mine’s blog. He does some pretty awesome pictures and edited photos all with his iPad. It’s totally worth checking out so give it a look!

iPhone Photo Log

Title: Hue-riffic And Aura-ful

Place: Niles, Michigan

Description: Well I was looking at my blog and it seems like it’s been far too long since I had an abstract photo, so here it is! This was a great picture I took while going on a walk with my wonderful girlfriend (bless her heart for being patient with me while I took pictures, haha! ❤ you girl!) I really love this edit because nothing is so washed out that it looks impossible… Looks like you're just looking at the world through some weird colored glasses 🙂 Hope you enjoy!

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Body Be Trollin’

My body hates me… or at the very least, my sleep cycle does. It always seems to happen that when I have to get up early in the morning that no matter what I can’t fall asleep. I’m laying here attempting to sleep because I have to wake up at like 5am since I have to be at work at 6:30 to chase around a bunch of little kids so I need all the energy and sleep I can get. And yet my body… or maybe my mind is trolling me, refusing to let me sleep. It’s extremely frustrating and I just want to sleep.

Well, now that I’ve complained, I’m going to turn on Beauty and the Beast (yay Disney channel), put on my sleep mask, and see if the soothing sounds of the movie can put me out.

The Vow

Finally got around to watching The Vow tonight. It was a great movie, it really was. I cried (as I had expected and prepared for lol), I laughed and I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Here’s the thing, I’m not usually much of a chick flick kind of girl. I like them but I generally have to be in the right mood… i.e. either depressed (weird I know) or if I’m with other girls, or with my significant other (currently not happening as I’m single as of this point… usually my point of depression, reallly). Give me an action movie, a kids movie, or better yet an indie movie (they’re so great) any day, any time and I will happily watch it, but for me to watch a romantic chick flick… it’s gotta be the right time.

Honestly, I think I’m a bit of a masochist. I mean really, what do I do when I’m depressed? I watch a movie where the girl completely forgets her husband and he has to earn her love back. Sweet story, but full of tears. One of the problems is that (currently at least) one of the main causes of my depression is boy troubles, so of course, I decide to watch a movie that reminds me of what a “relationship” could be like and that gets my mind thinking again. I have to tell myself constantly that my life is not like a movie and that things don’t work that way. Then I watch a movie like this and my dreaming and wishing all starts back up again. It’s certainly not helping my (rather precarious if you ask me) mentality or sanity.

Now, I don’t want to get too into this… I’m not particularly keen on discussing my “love life” (or lack thereof) online… it’s just bad form. However, I do want to point out the main problem behind my depression. Now it seems pretty pathetic, being depressed or upset because of a boy (especially when, like me, you’ve been apart longer than you were together… we’re talking double the time here), but I can’t seem to help it. I’ve already talked about the fact that my interaction with people is sub-par. As a result of that, I tend to be a bit clingy to the people that are in my life — the ones that can actually put up with me. I have a deep seated fear of losing the people I care about. I’m also one of those people that sort of wears her heart on her sleeve. I say sort of because over time I’ve become paranoid about people getting close to me and then leaving… probably one of the reasons I’m so awkward around people. But, if someone invests the time, I can open up pretty easily and give just about everything that I am. I form connections with the people I care about pretty quickly when I feel they’ve earned it and I feel deeply very quickly. So, when it ends… I’m devastated… almost completely destroyed. Very rarely in my life have I actually had this happen; only a couple times really. But when it does happen… even now when it’s been so long I’m still having a hard time coping. And so (back to the topic), I watch chick flicks that kind of make things worse.

On the other side of things tho, it’s almost soothing to watch romantic chick flicks. It lets me cry for what I feel is a good reason. It’s a good cry, and sometimes a happy cry. It’s an excuse to be sad just for the sake of being sad… plus it’s a great excuse to curl up around a bowl of ice cream, wear sweats, and just feel like a normal girl (hey, even us weirdos need to feel normal every now and then).

So, this went a little (okay, a lot) off topic. All things considered, The Vow was an amazing movie and I totally loved it, despite the many many tears I shed.

Edit: I would like to add that no matter what mood I’m in, if Gerard Butler is in the chick flick I will watch it even if I’m not in my “romantic mood”… Gerard Butler is a gorgeous, amazing (Scottish -happy sigh-) actor and I will watch him no matter the time or mood.