Depression

So, I believe that I may have clinical depression… I was actually diagnosed with it four years ago but that was before we found out about my Crohn’s disease. It was decided at that time that being sick and not knowing why was what had me depressed. However, four years later and I think that I genuinely might have it… or possibly a mild bipolar disorder. Why do I think this? Well, through the years there have been many times when I get sad and/or depressed for no reason at all. I found myself in tears this evening with no provocation even though I had a great  day and there was no reason to cry. I’ve been in this type of funk for several months now and I tend to have cycles of it through the years. I have come to realize these get worse and worse and I have several issues rise up because of it.

I have a little trouble with this whole issue of depression and/or bipolor, however. My home church as well as both my parents seem to believe that it’s all a bunch of poppycock and that these issues are based on some sort of sin or something of the sort. I’ve had that sort of thinking nearly ingrained inside my head but… I honestly think there’s something legitimately wrong with me. I read my Bible and pray and ask God to spare me from the negative thoughts and feelings that seem to seize a hold over every part of me, but still, my mind continuously turns back to wallow in depression. There are even times I feel even more depressed after my quiet time because there is little to no effect in my thinking. I try my best to apply what I learn (“Read to change, not to finish”) but soon after I’m done, my mind seems to dive right back in to wallow in depression. I’ve briefly mentioned these feelings to my parents (not in great detail but they know I have times when I’m just sad) and all I hear is “pray about it”, but I have been yet nothing seems to change at all. I’m not asking for my situation to change but my thinking… and yet I just sink further and further in.

I’m not sure what to do about this situation. I times I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me but there is also that nagging aversion I have to the belief in that sort of thing. There are times I believe it might be a genuine problem but other times I wonder if it’s just all in my head and I’m subconsciously letting this happen or somehow encouraging it. I really don’t know….