Walk On

Normally I can’t write poetry for crap. The words just don’t flow for me and it ends up just frustrating me. However, I actually managed to write one out that’s half-way decent. Of course, it would happen while I was depressed and it’s kind of sad and darkish I guess, but it’s my first ever decent poem so I guess I’ll share it. Well, here goes….

~Walk On~

 

I yearn for the time

back when I was yours

and you were mine

Before this stabbing pain.

 

I yearn for the days

when dreaming brought no tears

but put a happy smile on my face

Before these cold nights.

 

I dream and wish not to wake

to days empty and blank

when I wear a smile that’s fake

Yearning for you.

 

I bear it in silence, this pain

for I can’t stand to lose it

But I let my tears fall in the rain,

And you just walk on.

 

I long to go back

to feeling safe, loved, and warm

before my days faded to black

Before I felt so alone.

 

I feel crippled and weak

pleading from the depths of my heart

For you to give the love that I seek

But you just walk on.

Scary Words

Words can be scary… spiders, snakes and… needles are a couple words that make me shudder. There are some other words tho that, currently, terrify me… and you wouldn’t expect them to be that scary:

Alone: The idea of this has me stopping in my tracks. Now, I’m an introvert so there are times when I need to be separate from everything and on my own. But there’s a difference between being on your own and all alone. I’m so completely terrified of the thought of having no one there for me. It’s the main reason I can be a wee bit clingy.

Forever: This word will literally make me curl up and cry. There used to be a time when I believed in forever, when I believed something could go on and never end. Now, all I can think about with that word is that forever doesn’t really last very long.

Beautiful, cute, etc.: These words don’t really scare me so much as they make me freeze up. I don’t know at all how to respond when people tell me I look pretty or something of the sort. Mostly because I often don’t believe them, and also because I never really heard it growing up. I was always the strange awkward girl that sat in the corner and read and no one paid any attention to. My parents would sometimes tell me I looked pretty but… well they were my parents, they’re supposed to say that.

Love: This shouldn’t be a scary word… and it’s not when someone in my family says it or if I’m joking around with my friends and say “I love you” all cutsey when I do something “mean”. But when people say it to me and “mean it” especially if it’s a boy. I feel like shutting down. I find it hard to believe that they really do mean it, it seems so much like a overused, meaningless word now. There’s also the difficulty I have mentally right now. I don’t think I’m really capable of loving someone back other than the people that already have my love. Love has become a word that makes me feel emotionless and leaves me at a loss for how to respond.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”

Remember learning that as a kid? Well, it’s completely and totally wrong. Words can be some of the most damaging and painful weapons in the world. Words can completely destroy a person – cause them to think or do things they never would have considered in a thousand years. Words can cause a boy to completely ignore his sister for years because it’s not “cool”. Words can cause a girl to feel alienated from everyone and like she isn’t important. And long exposure to negative words can even cause someone to cut themselves or contemplate/attempt suicide.

We need to be careful what we say and how we say it. Sometimes, even if it’s joking, words can completely devastate or destroy a person emotionally. Granted, some people just need to toughen up and not take everything to heart, but if you know someone is struggling with something, don’t rib them about it or make jokes alluding to it; that just makes everything worse. If they’re willing to joke with you about it, then fine, but if you see it causing them distress, leave it.

Words should be used to encourage and build up people. Support people with your words, don’t tear them down. Watch what you say, you don’t know what may be the last straw for that person.

~~~~~

No one sits with him, he doesn’t fit in

But we feel like we do when we make fun of him.

Cause you want to belong do you go along?

Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong.

It’s not like you hate him or want him to die

but maybe he goes home and thinks suicide.

Or comes back to school with a gun at his side

Any kindness from you might have saved his life

Heroes are made when you make a choice

You can be a hero, heroes do what’s right.

You can be a hero, you might save a life.

You can be a hero, you can join the fight.

For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right.

No one talks to her she feels so alone.

She’s in too much pain to survive on her own

The hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife.

She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life.

Each day she goes on is a day that she’s brave;

fighting the lie that giving up is the way.

Each moment of courage her own life she saves,

when she throws the pills out, a hero is made

Heroes are made when you make a choice

You can be a hero, heroes do what’s right

You can be a hero, you might save a life

You can be a hero, you can join the fight

For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right

No one talks to him about how he lives.

He thinks that the choices he makes are just his.

Doesn’t know he’s a leader with the way he behaves

and others will follow the choices he’s made.

He lives on the edge he’s old enough to decide.

His brother who wants to be him is just nine.

He can do what he wants, because it’s his right.

The choices he makes change a nine-year-old’s life.

Heroes are made when you make a choice

You can be a hero, heroes do what’s right

You can be a hero, you might save a life

You can be a hero, you can join the fight

For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right

Yo little Mikey B was the one in class

who everyday got brutally harrassed

and this went on for years

until he decided that never again would he shed another tear.

So he walked through the door

and grabbed the .44

out of his father’s dresser drawer

and said “I can’t take life no more”

and like that, a life can be lost.

But this ain’t even about that;

it’s about all of us who just sat back and watched it happen

Thinkin’ “it’s not my responsibility to solve a problem that isn’t about me”.

But it IS our problem, this is just one of the daily scenarios in which we choose to close our eyes instead of doing the right thing.

We can make the choice

to be the voice

for those who won’t stand up for themselves.

How many lives would be saved, changed, and rearanged

Now it’s our time to shine, so don’t keep walkin’ by

not wanting to interfere cause you just want to exist and never be seen

Let’s wake up, change the world

OUR TIME IS NOW!

~~~~~

~Hero by Superchic(k)

Depression

So, I believe that I may have clinical depression… I was actually diagnosed with it four years ago but that was before we found out about my Crohn’s disease. It was decided at that time that being sick and not knowing why was what had me depressed. However, four years later and I think that I genuinely might have it… or possibly a mild bipolar disorder. Why do I think this? Well, through the years there have been many times when I get sad and/or depressed for no reason at all. I found myself in tears this evening with no provocation even though I had a great  day and there was no reason to cry. I’ve been in this type of funk for several months now and I tend to have cycles of it through the years. I have come to realize these get worse and worse and I have several issues rise up because of it.

I have a little trouble with this whole issue of depression and/or bipolor, however. My home church as well as both my parents seem to believe that it’s all a bunch of poppycock and that these issues are based on some sort of sin or something of the sort. I’ve had that sort of thinking nearly ingrained inside my head but… I honestly think there’s something legitimately wrong with me. I read my Bible and pray and ask God to spare me from the negative thoughts and feelings that seem to seize a hold over every part of me, but still, my mind continuously turns back to wallow in depression. There are even times I feel even more depressed after my quiet time because there is little to no effect in my thinking. I try my best to apply what I learn (“Read to change, not to finish”) but soon after I’m done, my mind seems to dive right back in to wallow in depression. I’ve briefly mentioned these feelings to my parents (not in great detail but they know I have times when I’m just sad) and all I hear is “pray about it”, but I have been yet nothing seems to change at all. I’m not asking for my situation to change but my thinking… and yet I just sink further and further in.

I’m not sure what to do about this situation. I times I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me but there is also that nagging aversion I have to the belief in that sort of thing. There are times I believe it might be a genuine problem but other times I wonder if it’s just all in my head and I’m subconsciously letting this happen or somehow encouraging it. I really don’t know….